27 before 27 (confessions)

1. For Christmas, I bought Billy the first 2 seasons of the Big Bang Theory. But I think I enjoy watching the show more than he does.

2. I’m scared of turning 27. I’m even more scared of turning 30. I still feel young, but I wish I could look as young as I feel. I sometimes feel a little offended when people ask me if I have kids. Do I really look like a mom?

3. I kissed a lot of boys back in the day. I’m not proud of it. If I knew then what I know now, I would cut that number in half. Maybe even more.

4. I only straighten my hair on Sundays. The rest of the week, my hair is wavy and up in a ponytail, a really messy ponytail. I only put makeup on when I leave the house. If I'm home all day, I don't bother making myself look cute.

5. I don’t like to exercise. I know I should do it, not just for my appearance, but also for my health. Maybe if I paid a membership fee at a gym, I’d get motivated. Maybe.

6. I wish I had never quit gymnastics and dance. Now I’m unflexible and out-of-shape. I lost everything I worked so hard to accomplish.

7. I’m not happy with the way I look. If I could get plastic surgery, I’d get liposuction in the tummy area and thighs, new boobs, a new nose, new lips, and whiter teeth.

8. I am the most insecure about my skin. I still get pimples and I have acne scars. I would love to have flawless skin.

9. Occasionally, I yell at my kids. At the time, it seems like the only way to get their attention. I know it’s not. Afterwards, I hate myself for doing it. I know I should handle myself better. Be the person I want them to become. Easier said than done.

10. Some days I am tired, bored, and/or frustrated. On those days, we watch a lot of TV. I would love to be a spontaneous, creative, and fun mom. But I would rather avoid situations that could possibly, not even certainly, turn into a disaster.

11. I’m going to miss breastfeeding Kendall. I didn’t miss it with Logan and Taylor because it felt like work. I had to breastfeed, supplement with the bottle, and pump with them. But with Kendall, it’s relaxing and it’s bonding.

12. I lose my temper faster with Logan and Taylor than I do with Kendall. I feel like Logan and Taylor sometimes cry about silly things, like someone taking their toy away. I feel like Kendall cries because she needs something, like she’s hungry or tired. I know things that seem irrelevant to me are a big deal to them… I know.

13. Since having kids, I have become a worse person. I used to be patient. I’m not anymore. I used to be very calm. Now I’m constantly stressed out. I know I should learn from my mistakes. I should be a better person each day. I should strive to get closer to my Heavenly Father. I have all the knowledge I need to be the person that I want to become. But knowing and applying are two difference things. I make mistakes and I repeat them over and over again.

14. Sometimes I get so frustrated – from repeating the same thing 50 times, from potty training accidents, from my kids’ not eating well, and the list goes on – that I have meltdowns. Once I’ve had one, I find it hard to recover from it. The end of the day can never come soon enough.

15. Sometimes I feel like my kids are behind in everything that they do. I know they’re not, but it appears so at times. They’ve been slower at crawling, walking, talking, potty training, and just about everything that I can think of. It’s sometimes very frustrating.

16. Some days, I wish I could go to work instead of staying at home with the kiddos. I know I wouldn’t last a day. I’d miss them too much. But at the same time, it’d be nice to have a little break from them once in a while. Maybe they’d actually miss me. Maybe.

17. Some days I look back to the times before I was married and had kids. Before I had responsibilities. And I miss those times. I could go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted. It was a lot less stressful. But I always knew I wanted to be a wife and a mom. So I feel blessed to have everything I always wanted.

18. Some days, I look forward to sending the kids to school. But then, what would I do with myself? Of course, I’d miss them and wish they’d still be little and home with me.

19. Some days I wish my kids were 8 years old. Some days I wish they were 12 years old. And some days I wish they were 18 years old. But deep inside I know I will look back and wish I had appreciated these times more. I will miss my kids being 1 and 3.

20. Sometimes I find it hard to understand what Billy goes through. Sometimes it frustrates him. But how could I know? How could I understand? I wish I could follow him around for a day. Then I’d know and understand how hard he works for our family. I think it’d help me be a more supportive wife.

21. I don’t have much sympathy for pain. Sometimes I’m upset with Billy for calling in sick from work. Maybe there’s a little jealousy in that, because I can never call in sick, no matter how terrible I feel.

22. I want to learn Chinese. Not only because it’s cool but because I want to be better than Billy. I think it’d be awesome to go to China and be the one to speak, listen, and understand, while Billy has no clue what’s going on.

23. My husband and my mom are my best friends. When I am having a tough time, I talk to Billy or call my mom. They understand me and support me no matter what. They don’t judge me.

24. I know money doesn’t buy happiness. But the lack of money can definitely bring unhappiness. I try to be creative and do fun stuff for free. But I wish we could go on trips and create memories for our family. Go to Hawaii. Go to Venice. I want to create memories that will last forever.

25. I played the piano for 10 years, and no one at church knows it. I used to be pretty good, but I haven’t practiced in years, so I’m not very good anymore.

26. I hate it when the bishopric asks certain people to share their testimony on the spot. If they ever called my name, I might pinch one of my kids to get the heck out of there.

27. I hope they don’t call me to work in the nursery or primary while I have young kids. I haven’t participated in church for 2-1/2 years. I need some spirituality, some time to get closer to my Heavenly Father. I need it.