I spend many nights looking back on the day, feeling like I fell short, feeling bad about it, and feeling like there are so many better moms than me out there. I fail each of my three children daily, in various ways, and every time I turn the TV on or read a magazine, there is a new way to fall short, whether that is a recall from one of their toys or a new environmental poison from which it is already too late to protect them from. All I can do is hope I didn’t mess up my children too bad.
I had always figured that being a mother was easy, effortless, and came naturally. I mean, my mom made it look simple enough. But now that I am a mother, I think daily, “I suck at this.” I mean, seriously, what kind of a mother lets her children skip the whole hand-washing thing, as long as it's #1? What kind of a mother feeds her children hot dogs, Mac ‘n Cheese, and popcorn at least twice a week? Huh? I mean, really. Why do I doubt my parenting abilities, day after day? Why do I keep trying to be the mom that my mom was, only to, once again, fall short?
Once I became a mother, I was suddenly targeted by advertisements dedicated to make me feel unsure. Today, everything seems to be marketed to mothers: “This product is chosen by mothers who want what is best for their children.” Well, who doesn’t want that? Honestly, what mother would aim to give her children what is only ordinary? So, if you want what is best for your children, then you have to hire this parenting coach, hang bilingual flash cards over the baby’s crib, go to Mommy and Me classes, and have your children take swimming lessons as newborns. And if you ignore these suggestions, then you are saying that you do not want what is best for your children. Good luck sleeping with that on your conscience! It is easy for people who are not parents, or for fathers even, to tell you not to listen, but the guilt is not aimed their way, it is aimed directly at you.
Nowadays, things are so black-and-white. A birth isn’t best unless it’s vaginal and drug-free. Breastfeeding isn’t really successful unless we do it exclusively and for a full year. (Not for one day more or you’re a total hippie.) Jarred baby food is completely unacceptable – a mother who wants what’s best for her children will mill it herself from local organic produce.
I’ve been a mother for almost 4 years now, and I continue to get judgmental looks when I let my children drink from the same sippy cup or when I let them run wild at the toy store. But a good mother would be prepared and have separate drinks for all of her children. She would have brought snacks, too, organic fruit and vegetables, which her children would eat without complaint and without making a mess. And she would have her children under control, which means they would all stay by the cart and not touch a single toy. But not my children! There will always be stares, ways to fall short, and the continual thought, “You are a failure.”
The sad part is, my standards have gotten progressively lower with the arrival of each child. At this point, I don’t even care if I go out without any makeup on or if my children have stains on their shorts. More often than not, I leave dishes in the sink overnight and don’t get to folding the laundry for several days. I used to be organized and a clean freak. Not anymore. Our house reflects all too well what my life has become. I wish I could be as zen about it as Billy…
I used to think that once I became a mother, I would finally be able to relax. I would have dinner on the table at 6 PM sharp. My children would never throw a tantrum in a public place. And I would always look “too young” to have children. Yeah, right!
And so, I almost always over-think everything I do. In order to stop, I have to convince myself that either 1) I know what I’m doing or, 2) it’s not really that important. But if there is one thing that is certain, it’s that every decision I make for these small, helpless beings is of life-altering importance, and it will reflect on me. A mother has the wonderful opportunity to shape her children’s lives, to shape their personalities, experiences, and futures. Isn’t that wonderful? No, it’s terrifying.
Whenever I manage not to be neurotic, I worry that maybe I’m not neurotic enough. I mean, should I have bought the Your Baby Can Read series? Should I have read The Complete Works of Charles Dickens at bedtime? Should I have started my children on tumbling classes the day they turned 2? A mother who has it all together may be able to ignore all this crap. Maybe I’m the only mother who questions herself daily.
The media bitterly divided us, mothers, into categories: breast versus bottle, stay-at-home versus working, etc. We think our choices are being judged constantly. But I think most of us are too wrapped up in our own guilt to judge anyone else, too certain that everyone else is doing better than we are. We are sure other mothers are judging us because, they must be, when we suck so bad. But we are our own enemies.
With that said, I am thrilled to be a mother. I always wanted to have children and stay at home to raise them. I love my children, and I feel blessed to have them in my life. I know, deep, deep inside, that they don’t judge me. They are perfect little beings who forgive and forget my mistakes and short-comings. I can see it in their eyes when they tell me I Love You at bedtime, even though I've threatened them way too many times that day. I don’t need to be perfect. But I also don’t want to be a wreck. I just need to be the best mother that I can be and give my children what they each deserve so much: my very best. Each day is a blessing. Each day is a new opportunity to start over.
