Meltdown at Walmart

Okay, this post is totally depressing (I blame it on my hormones), but I wanted to write this so that I could always keep these thoughts with me, since this blog has pretty much become my diary/journal these last 18 months.

The other day, as I was checking out my groceries at the store, I had an emotional meltdown. Yeah, totally embarrassing. But there was a reason, I promise. I was just kind of looking around the store when I saw a man who totally looked like this:

It totally freaked me out at first, then it brought back memories. This man was my "tonton." He, his wife, and their 2 kids, practically raised me for the first few years of my life. He sort of became a dad to me. Even after my mom quit her job to stay home with us, I continued to hang out with them because they were family to me.

When my family moved to the United States, I was devastated to leave them. Tonton was sick at the time, with diabetes and other things, and had had to have his toe amputated. After the move, his condition worsened, and over the following years, he had to get more and more of his foot and leg amputated. Still, I was naive about how bad his condition really was.

The day before our wedding reception in Maryland, in 2006, I got a text message from Tonton's daughter saying that he had passed away. It was a complete surprise and I was totally in shock. I immediately called her and found out that Tonton had undergone another surgery, and everything had gone well, but later he just died.

I felt sad and empty,.. then I felt regret. I knew regretting wouldn't change anything. It definitely wouldn't bring him back. But I thought back to those times when he would ask me to scratch his back, and I would say No or do it with the worst attitude ever. I wished I could go back in time and scratch his back until my fingers bled from it. I wished I could tell him one more time how much I loved him, how he changed my life, and how I wouldn't be the same person had I not had him in my life.

I have not been back in Begium since his death, but I am relieved to know that he is up there, watching me. That he was there at my wedding reception, at Logan and Taylor's birth, and in all those life-changing times that I would have wanted him there for. I love him so much and I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have to know I will see him again some day... some day...